Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in TOM the CraZED SpACE MonKIE's LiveJournal:

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Friday, November 27th, 2009
1:57 pm	I used to go to Livejournal and look to my friends for amusing stories. Now it's mostly just FMyLife and TextsFromLastNight. Same thing, but I don't know these people...I hope. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 23rd, 2009
10:20 pm	Things and things and yet still other things... Wow, I've been feeling stressed as FUCK lately. But now I'm only working a day or two a week...Joy. So now I'm not as stressed, but I'm broke. My car's not inspected yet, but it's getting there. Needs: Rust taken care of, spring bolts, and a new hatch. I don't remember when I last updated so I'll just say where I stand now. It's break, and I'm essentially using it to play catch up. Just before break, I lose my notebook that has what I've done for dance so far. I gave up on doing it this semester because of the stress, and I wasn't far enough along on the choreography when I started. That notebook also had outlines for a story in it, notes for classes, various writings, just a lot of stuff that I need. Also, I was accepted to ACTF. I'm not used to having to make decisions! Usually, I just audition for whatever comes my way, and do my best. I've never had to give much thought to if I'll like them, and I don't feel nearly as knowledgeable about plays as the other people in the theater department, but I've found some scenes. I don't know what to expect or hope for, but whenever I mention how stressed I am about it, people say not to hope for much and enjoy it. ::blink blink:: but it IS a competition! I want to do my best. I mean, I'm going to enjoy the workshops, but before I go there, it's just work to me. Granted work that I enjoy, but because of what I see riding on it then it still gives me a nervous, lugubrious feeling. Ok, not lugubrious, but listening to Spelling bee. I kind of feel like I've fallen apart and am putting myself back together. Sort of like when my car needed a head gasket, so while I was fixing it, put in new parts to make it better. I'm out of...this week, and it's break so no chance for more, but that's probably in my best interest. It WAS an alternative to video games, because when in another state of mind, I can still get things done, but playing games...you're just STUCK there. I didn't even get much better at them. It was just stimulation, for lack of stuff to do...even when I have other stuff to do. It was draining. But now, I'm sober, and still getting stuff done. It's like I replaced one addiction for another, had the replacement pulled out from under me, but the resulting good habits stayed. That's good, right? I think so. Other things...I've been doing more in the radio station...not all of it by choice. I'm pretty much doing all of the underwriting stuff. I have a meeting tomorrow set up, but I'm going to get up early and hit some of the businesses in Johnson that I feel deserved a more in person touch, like the bank, and a couple stores that they said the manager would be in at those times. A lot of places I had to leave a message, so now I play the waiting game. I'm starting to wonder if I'll be able to graduate next semester. Tomorrow, I'm picking my classes, and then I'll have a better idea. Russ said that I can use Picasso at the Lapin Angile as my senior thesis in theater, but the bit that I'm worried about is the creative writing degree. Maybe...Maybe I could just write it over the summer, walk this spring for theater, and get a degree with creative writing in the following semester? I don't know. Well, the more I focus on that this week, when I don't have anything else going on. Let's see...Mentioned radio, sobriety, plays, ACTF nervousness, graduation nervousness, lack of hours at work, my worry about my notebook... I might be going to NYC for a week before Christmas. My rickshaw boss offered me a job out there involving helping street corner Christmas Tree sales. They'd give me a place to stay, meals, and a job, so all I have to do is get there. It sounds like an adventure. I might just take a week off from Piecasso's to do it, even though it's during the busy season. I do know I'm going to CT Friday night, for all those people from there that might wanna hang out. Guess that's enough for now. Wish me luck in everything. I feel like I'm going to need it. (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 21st, 2009
4:00 pm	::breaths:: Holy crap it's break! I was going to update, but apparently I have to scrabble. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 2nd, 2009
12:39 pm	::thinks:: short to do list... -sell some clothes to the thrift shop, see if they'll dispose of the ones they won't take -find a watch battery -return rented leather coat -work at 4...shit that doesn't leave me much time for anything (Comment on this)
Friday, October 23rd, 2009
7:06 am	25 I should update....I think. Where was I a year ago?  Dating Aisha for one...starting to have second thoughts about living in Eden....wow, I don't feel like I've done much now, but I've had two lead roles, one that nominates me for ACTF and I've been feeling amazing for that.  Working on my dance is fun but frusterating, because I always feel like I know what I want better than I do, then somebody says 'What do I do with THIS part of my body' and my mental image goes to hell. So it's my birthday.  I'm going to watch clone high at 7 AM.  Cause it's my birthday. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 3rd, 2009
12:29 pm	Feelin good Things have just been so up and down and all around for me lately, I don't know how to explain it all.  Especially my falling out with reality, as I call it.  It gets confusing at times, but it's a line of thinking that generally makes sense to me.  Essentially, there is no way of knowing if reality is 'real' and if that's all there is to life.  It's just all we've ever known, apart from various religions who all claim to have the answer.  I guess it doesn't matter if it's 'real' because there's no way out of it...well, no way that I'm ready to take. I'm living for me now.  It's the best way, I've tried living for other people too much.  It got me false friends who only are around for my help on various things.  then when I have some problem, they're gone.  Others at least care enough to offer an answer, but if their solution isn't for me at this time, then they're insulted for me not taking their advise.  Least they care.  Anyway, feeling good now, and that's what counts.  Getting better organized, even if I space on some things, I have reminders all around me.  Speaking of things, I need to get to B-town! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
11:48 pm	someone bring me home Yes, I feel like shit.  No, I don't know why.  NO I don't know when I'll be feeling better.  NO I don't know what I need to fix myself.  Well, yeah, I know I smile sometimes, and sometimes, I think I do feel happy, but it's only when I can fully ignore what I need to do, what I put on my own plate to see if I could and now see myself failing.  Yes, it involves intoxication.  No I don't see a problem with that, as long as I get my stuff done.  Even with some forgetfulness.  Well, if I told you that you were making bad decisions, would you listen?  That's right.  It does seem familiar.  You didn't listen either. There is no ruling out cause and effect.  Ever.  I'm a mass of particles that somehow got the same conciousness as everyone else, and somehow, this BOTHERS me.  It bothers me that I don't know why any of this is here, or if there is some plain of existance that's waiting after the next trial.  Really, what's the point?  Is it all a fucking game?  Am I losing? Last week, I felt myself really lose touch with reality.  I'd get these feelings in my hands like if I just pressed hard enough against an object, I'd fall through it.  Like the electronic suignals that tell my brain I'm touching something were being misread as REAL electricity, like everything felt the way a novelty lighter does.  One of those joke lighters that shocks you?  only you can't let go when it starts.  I started sleeping more and eating better, gave up some stuff, and it went away.  Now i've started other stuff again to see if it comes back, so I can find what caused it, but my money's on lack of sleep.   So much to do, so little time. -map out dance in 8 counts (the first minute 30) -memorize lines -plan of study (2nd concentration) -look into AA in tech ...guess really that's it.  But finding the time for that between...both of my classes...::head hits desk:: really.  2 classes and a job?  I can't find time to work on myshit between 2 classes and a job?  Ok, and trying to work dibden, which never seems to line up around my schedual?  ok, there's also my promo to finish, my mashup to finish by november, the other 3 dances I'm in, this project for the video production class that I volunteered for...I'm sure I'm forgetting more. Tomorrow, I'm going to buy a whiteboard.   (Comment on this)
Friday, September 18th, 2009
12:44 am	Oh Fmylife.com, how I love thee...       Today, I finally figured out that when a man says "Maybe some other time, I'll be busy then" more than once, he really means "I don't really want to see you again. I didn't think you'd actually USE my number." FML Fmylife.com and textsfromlastnight.com have become almost a religion for me.  Read the new ones every morning and before bed, and my life feels so much better. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
3:24 pm	What I've been up to... Choriographing a dance, made an outline for a children's book (going to see if my friend will do the art for it), got shot down for my idea for a senior thesis, started doing tech stuff in the theater (FUCN!  That's short for 'fuckin fun!), been making TONS of promos at the radio station (brought back the Dibden updates, created a sports watch bed that can be updated every month or so, made the movie of the week bed to be updated weekly, a Dj's promo) and I'm about to take care of Non-Work Study modeling. Still fighting my demons...Mostly sloth, pride and Envy...Feel like a need a little something to keep myself going, but I'll have that soon.  Seriously, a little booze to feel good before doing things I need to do, or hours of video games, because I find I don't have the will power to do SHIT when I feel like crap, which has been happening a lot lately.  I wish I didn't feel the need to surround myself with people who care about me, I want to feel independant.  And it's time to do more stuff. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 6th, 2009
11:55 pm	Ten Rules for Being Human by Cherie Carter-Scott 1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period. 2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life." 3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work." 4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. 5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned. 6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here." 7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself. 8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. 9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust. 10. You will forget all this.   (Comment on this)
Friday, September 4th, 2009
3:07 am	cynical... Sometimes, I really wish that facebook had a 'Nobody cares, STFU' button you can click, instead of just 'like' PS, Ever think about how the dramatic 'MY GOD' (removes glasses) doesn't really work with contact lenses? (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 19th, 2009
8:36 am	What should I do? What some people view as addictions, I see as a relief.  Not really from the stresses of life, but from the things that I consider to be my real problem addictions.  Yes, I smoke, yes I drink, but when I do those, I don't play video games for 3-5 hours a day.  I'll smoke up, and do the dishes, clean my room, organize my schedual.  Or I'll drink and the same thing happens.  People might look at that and think that because I do it early in the day that it's a problem.  Or because I do it my myself then it's a problem.  but really, it's addiction substitution.  That might not be healthy, but neither is playing video games for so many hours, letting it eat my brain, 'living in a permanant imagination' so really...should I try to tough it out and not do anything addicting, but feel miserable?  Or should I stay with these potential addictions, get things done and still enjoy life?  I'm leaning towards the second for now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 13th, 2009
1:48 pm	oof... Opening night left something to be desired.  I fucked up a couple of times, not quite remembering my line, so accidently said someone else's that means the same thing in the hopes that they would take was I was supposed to say, and a couple points where I drew a blank and so I jumped ahead a line or two.  It wouldn't have hurt the play much except that I'm incapable of letting things go, and it affected my energy and made me rush the rest of the scene. Tonight is another night. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 3rd, 2009
10:55 am	WHOOT! After much deliberation, I decided to do the open mic night!  I'm glad I did.  I wouldn't say I did worse than everybody there.  It was strange.  This was one of the few times where I was nervous before I started, but it didn't make me compleatly blank.  I did a fresh couple of jokes about the recent celebrity deaths, but forgot to do the tag of 'with all the celebrity deaths going on, I'm glad I'm only doing this on a stage THIS small'  I considered taking Sam's joke about batman villans doing everyday things, but decided against it.  So I did jokes about celebrity deaths, went on to talk about the Rickshaw job, did what I consider my classic 'Good Fu-King Chinese food'  Then the light flashed, so I had one minute left, so I told the 'Chicken Walks into a Librairy' joke.  I know, that's a JOKE joke, not standup, but I loves to tell it so... After, I went and did a Rickshaw shift.  Gave Lauren a free ride, and she must have given me luck or something, because I made $60 in 3 hours.  It was pretty much non-stop.  Drop, grab, go, repeat.  Gave 2 girls the deal of 'I'll circle the park till your ride gets here for Fifty Cents a spin'  Only got around twice, but they gave me $3.  They were HOTT too.  One from Scotland, so she had that cute accent n everything.  Best part of the night thouh...Later in the shift, I arroused the interest of a group of three.  One of which, after she began inquiry into my rig, suddenly asks 'Don't I go to school with you?'  Turns out, she was a freshman at the same time as me, still going there, we just haven't had any classes together.  She remembers me well...I don't remember her at all.  But that's my memory for you all.  What struck me...is that one of the first things she said after was 'You're a comedian!  I saw you when I was a freshman.  You're really funny!'  And so I have her number.  Cool!  It's really amazing that something like that happens the night that I start doing standup again. Needless to say that made me feel really good about myself.  I might call her later this week, when I can actually drive.  Speaking of driving, It's about that time for me to start riding to johnson to model.  I MIGHT have been scheduled for the AM shift, but there were issues with me getting back to Morrisville in time for it, so I'll just play ignorance if I WAS supposed to be there in the AM.  Either way, I hope to do my plan of study and pay the business office today, rehearsal tonight.  Another day off tomorrow.  Well deserved if I do say so myself. BTW, I won a grill at Kareoke Night at Piecasso's because I was the only one willing to sing.  Did Meatloaf's Bat Outa Hell, Being for the Benifit of Mr Kite, the Kareoke man was singing 'Whole Lotta Love,' so I jumped in with Snoop Dog's Drop it Like it's Hot lyrics while he sang that, since the Beats line up.  I faked it of course, 'When the pimps in the crib gonna drop it like it's hot...when the mumble mumble attitude, drop it like it's hot...Got the Bolley on don with the go shandran and I'm rollin this weed cause I got it goin on...' yeah, I don't know the words, but I can mumble just like snoop.  Sometimes I wonder if there are even words under that.  Anyway, then a waitress who saw me sing Come Sail Away freshman year in my Cartman voice requested I do that song, sans voice.  So I won a grill.  It's still at the shop, because I didn't want to ride my bike with it.  Can you blame me? Anyway, Time to go. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 2nd, 2009
3:13 pm	Oh Boy... Open Mic standup tonight at Higher Ground.  I haven't done this in over a year.  I'm prepairing my bit now.  It borders offencive, but I don't think it crosses the line.  It's always close when joking about recently deceased, but I checked my sources (THANKS LAUREN) and it doesn't go TOO too far. Wish me luck! (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 30th, 2009
11:21 am	Dreaming... In my dream, I was traveling by train.  The ride had begun to seem long, and I was antsy because there was nothing I could do on it.  I found some Harry Potter characters playing cards, and sat by them.  The greatings that were given were similar to Finnian's Rainbow (God and Mary be with ye...God Mary and St. Patrick be with ye) only in the dream it was 'Myself, God, St Patrick, and myself great ye' or something like that.  Harry explained that the reason he said 'myself' twice was because this place was a place of perception, it could be paridise if you looked at things right.  Then we were off the train, in a field, watching ANOTHER Harry Potter, walking with Voldimort and belittling him.  Voldemort was trying to just ignore him and walk away.  I think he was saying that although he is still doing what has to be done, there was some part of him that was still enjoying life (the playing cards with his friends)  At the end of the dream, an old man, driving my car backwards was putting envilopes into mailboxes.  I then gave him the greating, and tried to duplicate myself, but it didn't work.  This is the first time I remember having my dream self close my eyes and seeing nothing. Earlier in the dream...I don't remember this very clearly...I was in a best buy and there were a circle of people in chairs having a group meeting.  they all looked peculiar.  I asked them if this was an 'uncool person' support group and sat down. My dreams aren't usually this blatent with how I'm supposed to interperet them. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 27th, 2009
8:40 am	mmmmm toasted english muffin raspberry preserves cream cheese. SO good! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 23rd, 2009
11:41 am	Dressed up and thinking... What we are told, typically, is that we should be happy in who we are.  Yet we are also told to work to the best of our abilities.  This changes who we are, so that in working to the best of our abilities, we are to never be satisfied.  In order to want to be better, we must look at ourselves and see where we can instigate improvements, thereby forcing our focus to the negative side of what we view ourselves as.  Is it possible to see ourselves for who we are, faults and all, in a way that we would desire change for the better, yet maintain a sence of happiness about our entire being?  I may speak only for myself, but when I see my faults (only a few at a time please, I don't think I can handle all of them at once) and weigh them against the possitive I see, and find myself satisfied, my desire for improvement drops.  I can only conclude that when we are to change, we must never be satisfied.  Always be moving towards what we aspire to be. My final thought on this:  If we are to be happy in who we are while simultaniously working towards what we see our potentials to be, we must know that life is a process; a dress rehearsal, in which we see what we hope our final showing will be.  We don't get to see the show, that is in how we are to be remembered.  See the process and love the process, and view our progress for what it really is.  Be happy in how we change, and how we can grow and are growing, not in who we are at this time. What I view as a true moral ultimatum:  Seek happiness and satisfaction for yourself, while minimizing the distress and even assisting the happiness of others. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 21st, 2009
2:09 am	RIP Hack-Bear  Today was the services for my godfather.  My dad played Pachelbel's Canon after the reverend said a few words.  It was lovely.  A really nice spot too, at a cemetairy in Mystic.  Parts of the graveyard overlook the seaport.  I do wish I could have been at yesterday's services as well.  Some of his bandmates rocked out the church.  The reverend made mention to him playing music with God now, and said he's not sure if God is ready for that! I was really glad I went to this.  Mostly because I had somethings I wanted to share, and there was a bit where people could come foward and say something if they wanted.  It was really great hearing what people had to say about him.  Some of them remembered him at super bowl sunday, a lot of them spoke about how he helped them regain their love for the guitar, when they wandered into his music store to sell their guitar, and he said to one of them 'Hell come back next thursday, we'll jam!' and he asked another if he was trying to learn guitar from a book, and said that was his problem.  Anyway, I told people about the coffee trick, with the pinch of salt.  I was trying to go for a metaphore of how you take a little of somethink that's enjoyable that might not really be good for you, add it to something bitter and it can take the bitterness away, and you can see the sweetness that you might have missed before.  I don't know how it sounded.  I could barely speak, from the beginning where I started to say 'Hack was my godfather' i couldn't stop crying.  I hope that my words at least were understandable. didn't make it easier that when I stepped foward, his wife, wendy, said 'Hello, Thomas.'  I'm never called that anymore.  It's just different.  I thought she wouldn't recognize me...The other side of Hackett n Wendy. Anyway, after there were a bunch of people at his old house...same road that he crashed his bike on.  I can see why he was going so fast, it's a big road, one of the ones where 45 feels like 10.  I thought it was odd that there was no Birch Beer, his favorite.  If he were there he would have run to the store on his bike, and picked up a case. So yeah.  Now I'm done with a lot of things.  I'm done being a lump.  I'm donejust cruising, I'm going to start working harder at doing things that are important to me, becoming who I want to be.  I'm moving the entertainment unit out of my room, starting to read before bed, limiting my computer use (for entertainment purposes) to an hour at a time, one movie a day, IF that.  I'm trying to get less cluttered, both in my head and in my space.  Yeah, I'm not the best housekeeper, but with a little help I can do it.  Just keeping space USEABLE when possible would be great, like the kitchen table, living room table, Eric's old room, hell my floor and closet in general.  If my space is cluttered, my mind is also, and then I can't reach my potential.  Speaking of potential, 3 am has the potential for sleep.  it shall be reached. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 11th, 2009
2:06 pm	Fuck... After reading the other entries, rather than glancing seeing 'death' and passing over them...Yeah, they're all special and should be mourned.  tyler durden was wrong. (2 Comments |Comment on this)